Archive for February, 2008

Going anonymous

Is it too late to be anonymous?

When I first started this blog, I was writing anonymously.  I didn’t mention any names, just initials of the people I was talking about.  I didn’t post any pictures, and when I finally did, you could only see my kids’ hands or their faces would be half covered.  But after a few months, I found this blog a good way to share news and pictures with family and friends and so it wasn’t anonymous anymore.

One good thing about being anonymous was that I was able to express myself freely, without worry of what people might think of my opinions and of the way I feel.  But don’t get me wrong.  Whatever I have expressed and related here have always been true and honest.  But I have to admit that there are a lot of things that I still hold back.  Because I know that people I know personally are reading this blog and I feel it’s kind of awkward to reveal everything.  You know what I mean?  I don’t know, but don’t you think that somehow it’s easier to tell the (on-line) world, people you don’t really know personally, your inner thoughts and feelings than it is to tell the people you see and deal with regularly in your personal life?  Or is it just me?

After going through my personal crisis last month, I feel that I am now ready to talk.  My friends have really been very supportive and they listened to me.  And as I talked to them about my struggle, I learned a few things.  That I am not alone in this.  Not just alone, meaning that they are just an email or phone call away if I do need to talk.  I am not alone, also meaning that there are also some of them who have somehow experienced what I have gone through.  We’ve also talked about these Filipino culture of inuman (social drinking event) and barkada (group of friends) and how they sometimes have a negative effect not just on the person but also on their families if they can’t say no to their barkada and allow themselves to drink too much.

I have been hemming and hawing about writing about this personal crisis that I went through.  To hem and haw, btw, means to hesitate.  Yes, you may borrow it if you want.  I also borrowed it from an article that I read somewhere. 🙂  So, I have been going back and forth.  Should I write about it?  Should I start a new blog where I can be anonymous and express myself freely?  (And I’m not even talking about that other blog which some of you have already read.)  Why do I have this need to share this personal struggle?

About going anonymous.  Well, I have already made a few changes in the blog.  The title for one.  I have replaced Journey to Honeyville with just plain niceheart.  I have also removed the My Sites page that listed all the links to my personal pages and albums.  But there are still links buried in my archives.  And I think I’ll just leave them there for now as I don’t have the time to remove all of them. 

The title Journey to Honeyville is actually kind of ironic.  You’d think that a place called Honeyville would be all sweet and lovely.  But Honeyville refers to my childhood.  When I said in my tagline that I sometimes find myself transported back to my childhood, I didn’t only mean that my children remind me of how I was when I was a child.  Yes, they do.  But my childhood was not only filled with wonder and surprises.  It was also filled with a lot of sadness and trauma.  And somehow, because of some of the choices that I made in my life, I am often reminded by all of these sad memories.  

When I shared my story about my father and my childhood in Forgiveness Comes From the Most Unexpected Place and in Don’t TOUCH Me, there were quite a few readers who reached out to me and also shared with me their experiences with their alcoholic loved ones and abusive loved ones.  I was touched as much as you were touched by my story.  Some expressed their concern if it’s all behind me now and if I have gained closure.  To tell you guys the truth, as much as I’d like to say that it’s 100 percent behind me now, there are times that it still haunts me.  One mom even came up to me and asked me if my father’s alcoholism has affected me in a bad light.  Her husband is a recovering alcoholic and she was told that children of alcoholics are affected by the effects of alcoholism somehow and it usually occurs in adulthood.  Right on.  She suggested that I join a support group called the Al-Anon, for families of recovering alcoholics.  I actually thought of joining one.  But with my ever crazy schedules, I just couldn’t fit it in my time.  So I guess, this is one of my reasons for writing this post.  I am reaching to any Al-Anon members out there, or non-members like me.  I’d like to share with you.  I need your support.  Convince me to join an Al-Anon group near my place right now.  You can drop me a line at my Contact page.   Thank you for listening to my story.  

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February 18, 2008 at 4:24 pm 15 comments