Do you read your spouse’s mail?

September 24, 2007 at 9:03 pm 35 comments

 The View

I watch The View almost everyday and my favourite part of the show is the Hot Topics segment.  The ladies pick any hot topic from the news or celebrity gossips and they would discuss it.  They sometimes agree and they sometimes disagree.  They usually have different opinions on certain topics and that’s why I like it.  I enjoy watching them express and defend their opinions.

After a tumultuous season with Rosie O’Donnell last year, she left and the producers of the show replaced her with Whoopi Goldberg.  And another seat on the table has been added and was filled by Sherri Shepherd.  I have to admit that I was quite saddened when Rosie left.  She had very strong opinions and she made the discussions quite more interesting than usual.  But after watching Whoopi and Elisabeth Hasselback exchange different views and opinions in a non-confrontational way, I think I like this set of hosts better.

Well, anyway, Sherri is separated from her husband and she had mentioned this quite a few times before when she would come over to the show as guest host.  Last week they were discussing about how she is going celibate now that she is separated.  But that’s not what I’m discussing here now.  That’s a totally different post.  I was reminded of that show when she talked about how she caught her husband cheating.  I knew I had written a draft on this topic.  So I found myself digging through my pile of notebooks.  It was one of those posts that have not been developed and have been buried because I found it hard discussing the topic without getting too personal.  But I am at that point in my life now where I don’t care what people think about me anymore.  Oh well, maybe I still do care.  But I realize that people will think what they want to think.  It’s something that I can’t control.

I found the page in one of the notebooks.  I must have scribbled it there sometime around December 2006 to January 2007. 

Sherri talked on The View about how she left her husband because she caught him cheating.  When he was taking a shower and the sound of his computer went off, she checked his e-mail.  And she saw this message from the woman he was seeing.

About three or four years ago, I was also on the computer when this message popped up.  So I clicked on it and it turned out to be for my husband.  It was from a woman and the message went something like this:

“Hi ____, where have you been?  Did you eat already?”

Now, don’t you ask this kind of questions only to your other half, family members or close friends?

I hesitated but I answered the message:

“Hi there, ____ is not here.  This is his wife.”

It took a while before another message popped up:

“Oh! Hi there.”

And she proceeded to explain that there’s nothing going on and she was just a friend.

As a matter of fact, I wasn’t really jealous.  And when my husband entered the room, I asked him who this woman was.  He said that he met her through some music sharing website.  And that she lived in another province.  And that was it.  No more questions asked.

Other than that, I don’t really check his emails.  Okay, probably, there was a short span of time when I did.  But that was only because he wouldn’t communicate with me and I wanted to know what he had been telling his family.  And what stereo component or parts he had ordered again and how much they cost because he wouldn’t tell me.  But that was then.  Now, I don’t bother anymore.

What about you?  Do you check your spouse’s e-mail?  Letters?  Or do you snoop in their personal belongings.

I, for one, don’t like it when my (snail) mail is being opened.  I don’t open his.  I wait for him to come home and open it himself and then I take a look if I’m interested.  Whether it’s a letter from his family or a statement or bill from his credit card company.  So when I get a letter from one of my high school friends or cousins from back home, I don’t like anybody else opening them.  They’re personal.  At least let me read them first and I will let him read them if I wish to.  Nobody’s opening anybody else’s letters now.  I’ve got my point across.

Why do I feel this way?

Well, you see, when my sister and I were teen-agers, my mother left us to live with relatives when she went to work abroad.  My mother and her sister (my aunt who looked after us) had issues with the money that my mother was sending us and there was a time when my aunt would open Mama’s letters before she handed them to us.  Sis and I thought that that was such an invasion of privacy.  Please don’t get me wrong.  I do love my aunt dearly and I am grateful and will always be grateful to her for keeping sis and me under her wings when both our parents couldn’t be there.  But I still think that opening somebody else’s letters is wrong.  I don’t even open my son’s letters.  I also wait for him to get home and open it himself.  And of course, I also ask if I can read it. :)  But I want to show him that I respect him enough to let him open his own mail.

Back to Sherri.  She admitted that her husband had been through a lot.  They were on fertility treatments trying to have a baby for a few years.

I also admit that my husband and I have been through rough patches in our relationship and I have not been an ideal wife.  But I don’t think that should be reason enough to find comfort in outside parties.  As Dr. Phil has always mentioned in his show, you have to face your spouse instead of seeking attention and love from someone else.  If you can’t fix the problem and you want to leave, then leave but don’t cheat.

What do you think?

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35 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Are women getting ANY after divorce? « Touch  |  September 25, 2007 at 8:07 am

    […] Shepherd said that since she’s now separated from her husband and going through a divorce, she’s going celibate. It has something to do with her faith. She’s not going to have […]

    Reply
  • 2. Sidney  |  September 25, 2007 at 8:34 am

    Fair enough.
    I never check my wife’s emails, letters or text messages. Not sure if it entirely the case the other way round. Anyway we don’t cheat .No problem so far !🙂

    Reply
  • 3. noemi  |  September 25, 2007 at 9:00 am

    No I don’t read his email or text messages. I believe each one should have their privacy. If my husband wants to share an email with me, he usually forwards it to me. It’s kinda sweet of him.

    Reply
  • 4. Belle  |  September 25, 2007 at 9:34 am

    i know my husband’s password to his yahoo email but i never open his email, at least not just yet. hehe. there’s no reason for me to do it.

    Reply
  • 5. TeacherJulie  |  September 25, 2007 at 7:07 pm

    I read his new text messages, especially if he is in the bathroom or still asleep. So does he with mine. He has access to all my email accounts, I can access his in his laptop. We have nothing to hide from each other. I hope so, hehehe 🙂

    Reply
  • 6. sesame  |  September 25, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    I have done this before. But since having a kid, I lost interest to keep track. And sometimes I think, if there is anything to be known, not knowing is better.

    Reply
  • 7. Wil  |  September 25, 2007 at 11:48 pm

    I agree with you. I also don’t believe in reading other people’s email without permission. Doing so shows a lack of trust in the relationship.

    Reply
  • 8. ipanema  |  September 26, 2007 at 3:09 am

    it is a silent code in my family that we don’t snoop at personal letters. my husband gave me his password and he let me answer some emails.

    my children on the other hand are conscious about this. but i usually tell them to read to me incoming emails, especially if i am doing something else.

    sometimes it depends on the amount of trust the couple has.

    Reply
  • 9. Kyels  |  September 26, 2007 at 7:13 am

    I have not been in such situations before but if I were given choices to check my spouse or other half’s e-mails, I think I would if he does not want to communicate properly with me. Also, if I find something amiss, I would.

    But other than that, I’d try to built my trust in that person.
    🙂

    Reply
  • 10. pining  |  September 26, 2007 at 8:46 am

    Opening each others letter is a no no for us, let alone reading each others emails. At the moment I have no reason to get suspicious, but if ever I feel something’s amiss , I definitely would…

    Reply
  • 11. Gypsy  |  September 27, 2007 at 4:24 pm

    Hmmm…can’t comment on the cheating part but I once had to tell my mom off on opening my mails (which she did so naturally as if there was nothing wrong about doing it) and she was really ticked off that I said that–I guess her generation didnt really understand the concept of privacy…Hmm…

    Reply
  • 12. Swipe  |  September 27, 2007 at 9:14 pm

    I don’t have a spouse but I don’t open other people’s mail. And like Gypsy, I have big arguments with my mom when she opens my mail. She used to do that a lot.

    Reply
  • 13. eric aka senor enrique  |  September 28, 2007 at 6:45 am

    Facing the music, in any circumstance, is tough, but it’s the only way to resolve any problems/issues with anyone.

    I think it is a federal offense in the States to open anyone else’s mail. Also, we were taught early on by our parents not to open anyone’s mail nor read any mail from someone’s opened envelope; unless, otherwise, asked or shared by the recipient. Same applies to electronic messages, nowadays.

    Reply
  • 14. Tin  |  September 28, 2007 at 6:59 am

    Mom doesn’t open my letters too. And then, I learned to respect others’ privacy too.

    Reply
  • 15. bw  |  September 28, 2007 at 10:33 pm

    Nope I don’t check my wife’s mails nor emails because I remember when I was in grade school my teacher told us it is an invasion of privacy and that stuck in my mind ever since.

    If a spouse cheats, it will eventually show up in some shape or form.

    THeres also a saying that “you maybe cheated if you trust too much but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.”. I am one person who doesn’t like stressing myself up with this kind of torment so que sera sera. If she cheats on me so be it. I can’t force someone to like me. Heck, I can go fishing and play golf the whole day without anyone nagging me hahaha🙂

    Reply
  • 16. annamanila  |  September 29, 2007 at 3:15 am

    I never check his emails … he doesn’t know how to go online. hahaha. But I am sure he has had close female friendships, especially when he was stilll working. And I did meet a few. I think this is inevitable. I have close male friends too offline and online. I do find comfort from them. I don’t think their wives have reason to suspect anything foul.

    Reply
  • 17. Abaniko  |  October 1, 2007 at 7:28 am

    As a self-imposed rule, I don’t open anybody else’s snail mail or email or read his/her text. Even if the person is my spouse. The other party needs privacy too. Maybe because I want it also done by other people to me. That’s why I have this rule.

    Reply
  • 18. Midas  |  October 1, 2007 at 4:59 pm

    I don’t like to open other people’s e-mails or mails. But, I am not averse to wanted to read something after it’s been open. My mother trained us that way so I just thought it’s my right.

    My husband doesn’t care though. He’d rather I open all the mails so he can keep doing what he’s doing on the computer.

    I don’t snoop at his e-mail, but we have each other’s password.

    Reply
  • 19. ann  |  October 2, 2007 at 1:25 am

    We are open when it comes to email or text messages.I read his mails and he reads mine. I’m not also the jealous type basta walang lokohan.

    Reply
  • 20. bugsybee  |  October 2, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    LOL. niceheart, I admire you for being so candid and honest about this. I know a lot of people who’ll deny to death that they read their spouse’s mail. And I laughed when I read your emailed reply to whoever it was who emailed our husband.

    Reply
  • 21. Rach (Heart of Rachel)  |  October 4, 2007 at 8:26 am

    I check his emails because he always ask me to check on his behalf and let me know if something important or interesting comes up.

    When I hear a text message alert on his phone, I tell him but rarely do I read it before him. I wrote rarely because there were a few times, I checked without asking first.

    Reply
  • 22. haze  |  October 4, 2007 at 8:54 am

    I don’t open his letter, read text messages neither emails except he asks me and it’s the same with him to me ! It’s not because we are husband and wife we are entitled to interfere on some private stuffs. I always have a reservation as a sign of respect to my partners, family and friends.

    There is not a room for jealousy ! I trust him and he trusts me. I think it would be our conscience to decide whether to cheat or not🙂.

    Reply
  • 23. Major Tom  |  October 4, 2007 at 4:53 pm

    On this issue, I often get curious and wanting to have some peek, even just for a while, but I bet it is so unethical and you know, I have this fear that I might discover something not to my liking. So I rather just leave it that way.

    Reply
  • 24. auee  |  October 4, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    We open the snail mails only because they’re never personal, just bills, bank statements & the like. And I don’t correspond with as many people via snail mail nowadays (how many still do?), I guess we’re not bothered with any letter being private.

    He knows my password to my email & I don’t really mind him reading them BUT with my permission only. While he always tell (commands yata) me to read his email as he doesn’t do it regularly.

    Siguro our case is slightly different but then we still respect each other’s privacy.

    You posed a real tough question at the end.

    “If you can’t fix the problem and you want to leave, then leave but don’t cheat.”

    It is easy for anyone to say yes, that’s how it should be. But we know emotions are not clear-cut. You may not necessarily go out there looking to cheat, but you may be vulnerable enough to be easily drawn to others. Yes, you can fly away before committing the carnal sin, but will you leave your kids?

    As someone who’s never been on that side of the road, I don’t think I can answer say that’s what I’ll do. My real answer is I pray that never happens. Coward ‘no?

    Reply
  • 25. rhodora  |  October 4, 2007 at 10:52 pm

    In my opinion, Irene, that woman had a brewing agenda over your husband. hehehe. The way it looks though, mukhang na-intercept mo siya. LOL!

    With regards to opening mails – I only open mails for my husband when they come from the banks – say, bank statements. I have to do it because I’m the one in charge of the finances. Nakapangalan lang sa kanya ang accounts, but I am the one managing them. Also, phone bills and business letters. All because we have joint interests. But with his other mails, I don’t open, unless he tells me so.

    Emails – we have separate accounts. But I’m his secretary, so he gave me his password. hehehe. But I don’t open them unless told. I’m too busy blogging even to think or be interested reading his emails.😀

    Reply
  • 26. verns  |  October 4, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    I’m pretty sure all the loveletters I received from highschool were alread “invaded” by my dear parents when I left for college hehe I don’t really mind. But I remember getting my snail mails unopened everytime my father handed it to me. But of course after I read it, my mother will go “may i read it?” hehehe

    I also have a bunch of journals in the apartment that I just put in an unlocked cabinet. My sister can open and read it but I do believe she doesn’t. We do respect each other’s privacy🙂

    Reply
  • 27. niceheart  |  October 7, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    Thank you for sharing everyone. Your comments are very well appreciated.

    I just want to address what Auee said about cheating. It may seem easy to say that instead of cheating just leave. I happen to know people who are dear and close to me who had been cheated on by their spouses. I have seen the emotional toll that has taken on these people. It’s very damaging to the relationship, the family, and even on your health. I know, the first concern when a relationship has gone that far is the kids. What about the kids? Being a product of a broken home, I can tell you that kids would rather be FROM a broken home than be IN a broken home.

    I have experienced some sort of betrayal (not cheating). What does cheating mean anyway? Cheating doesn’t only mean cheating with another person right? When you deceive someone, you are cheating on them, don’t you? So I understand the emotions that one go through when you have experienced this and I know how it affects your health.

    Reply
  • 28. niceheart  |  October 7, 2007 at 2:16 pm

    I just want to add that if anybody is going to commit, as Auee said “the carnal sin,” please be aware that there are diseases that you could get and you could eventually give it also to your spouse. So, if you suspect that your spouse is cheating, won’t you be worried about that too?

    Reply
  • 29. Apple of my Eyes » Blog Archive » Will you tell it or not?  |  October 10, 2007 at 7:33 pm

    […] harap ng computer, baka kasi biglang mag buzz si X eh sya yung makasagot tulad nang nangyari kay Niceheart…lagot pag […]

    Reply
  • 30. khonz  |  October 11, 2007 at 9:22 am

    Nice topic ha…nahohot seat ka dito.🙂
    I think it would be safe to sometimes check it para alam mo kng ngloloko na ba sya or loyal pa rin…

    Reply
  • 31. Lazarus  |  October 16, 2007 at 4:59 am

    my wife lets me check her email. and there are times that I was tempted to check even the sent items. Not of jealousy but only on mere curiousity.

    Before, i let her open my email. But she wont. Then I changed my password. I’ll let her take a peek sometime.

    Reply
  • 32. Leah  |  October 20, 2007 at 9:25 pm

    I dont have my hub’s email password so not a chance for me to read it.

    At any rate, we dont read mails and emails. Respecting each other’s privacy is an unwritten rule.

    Reply
  • 33. ламинат  |  August 22, 2008 at 1:31 pm

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    Reply
  • 34. Genny  |  April 7, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    I am not a fan of any of the shows or personalities mentioned in this post, but I do agree (as stared) that looking for extra love outside of a committed relationship is trying to have it both ways and is a often a way of avoiding important personal o. relationship issues. That being said, I read in a research journal tbe other day that while cheating typically hurts relationships it can also help… I’m not sure if the study gave details… but I think it had to do with sending a message when other communication wadmit effective. Some people realize that what they have is worth keeping when they or their partner starts going outside. I think people can be in living committed relationships and cheat because they are really bored or feel neglected. Some people are even liberal about affairs or turn the other cheek. I have contemplated affairs and even began and quickly abandoned a one night stand because I love my husband so much but also have felt very neglected. Our sex drives have also been out of sync for years and after twenty-one years of a full, commmited life together we are starting to try to come to terms. Part of it is atttude changes, viagra is another very important part.
    I think everyone knows that life, love and relationships are too big to control with a set of rules or advice (or therapy or religion). Each person has to live with his or her choices and make tbe best of his or her situation. Abuse, dishonesty, etc. are one thing. Like dangerous and disrespectful behaviors in a relationship they should be avoided, but working through a long term life-live affair takes a lot of effort and creativity, but to have that mutal committment is precious. To end where we began, I read my husband’s email obsessively and recently he has confronted me about not trusting him (not b/c of the email…I don’t think he knows). I know that I should trust him and deeply do, bur my ibsecurities get the better of me. What I read is usually just a confirmation that there’s nothing to hide…occasionally I get a little detail about something practical or that’s really none of my business that he forgot or couldn’t be’ bothered to mention. I have tried to stop but it’s an addiction. I will stop, but I get a sick feeling of closeness and control when I read his email. Just being honest!

    Reply
  • 35. Kiley Higbee  |  March 13, 2012 at 2:04 am

    I really benefit from the blog post.Really thank you! Excellent.

    Reply

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